At Home in my Body

Standard

forgiveness

I have come to love, appreciate and hold gratitude for my body in a whole new way this week. I am able to recognize my wholeness and see my pain body for what it is, a messenger to me. My body is not my enemy, trying to punish  me, or make me suffer. It is not broken or damaged and I am not the pain. The pain, stories, and beliefs are shown to me through my pain body but I am not them. I am able to witness the pain and my wholeness together.

For years I had a unhealthy relationship, a disconnection to my body. I did not want to be in it, I despised it for the pain I felt, I blamed it for failing me. I wanted out of my body, to escape the prison of limitation I felt I was confined to. I intentionally inflicted pain upon it, to punish it – to punish me. I starved my body, tried to drown the pain with drugs and alcohol, and end its very existence. I experienced one injury and trauma after another, and I pushed my body to the point of exhaustion. In spite of it all, it still held on for me! In recognition of this in the last few years,  I have held a deep sorrow and guilt for what I had done to myself. Some things intentional, some unconsciously. I was so mean to myself.

I have been playing this week with my pain body, changing again my perception and understanding of it. I recognize now my partnership to my body. I am able to hold the pain body and discomforts that I still feel out from me at distance, acknowledging that it is part of me, but not defining me. I have gathered a great appreciation for what my body does for me and am in awe at the level of reconstruction, repairing, and rebuilding that it has does for me despite that stress I put upon it.

I have come to feel a sense of peace and stillness within my heart and feel at home there, but something still felt like it was missing. Through a guided meditation I became witness to my Divine Body Blueprint. I watched from the moment of conception as my body was created into a perfect divine being. I could see and feel everything  as it formed and moved with everything functioning in perfect divine form and alive with energy. I reactivated this original blueprint of the body within me again, remembering the connection and partnership between my body and soul. I then came to feel at home in my body once again, understanding  wholeness.

We were then to ask our body what it needed from us, our soul, our consciousness to support it and how would that feel to have it expressed in the body. My body asked that I have forgiveness for myself for the guilt I felt for not treating myself with love, compassion and dishonoring myself. It would be expressed  in my body as ease, lightness and a great joy that brought so much energy to me. Forgiveness would set me free.

The key to unlocking this blueprint is gratitude, gratitude for the body! We are to honor the body daily with this sensation, remembering this blueprint and activating it again and again.

It feels so good to me to have this partnership with my body, to be at home in my body. Thank you body for being my partner, I love you body!

Divine blueprint

 

Advertisements

Reclaiming, Embracing, Embodying Innocence

Standard

IMG_1084Someone recently shared with me that the were able to see an innocence within me. My initial thought to this was one of surprise. Really, how could this be? This made me realize that I had not fully embodied this belief of innocence.
As I open deeper into forgiving myself, I understand that I have still been blaming myself and believing that I was responsible for the innocence (I thought) I had “lost”. The innocence of a child that I told myself I would never get back. The disgust, filth, and guilt I felt for myself because of what I experienced. The horror, shame, and pain I held in believing that I was dirty, damaged, and no longer an innocent child. The burden that I then came to assume, that it was my responsibility to hold the pain of others to make them feel better. In doing so, sacrificing myself because I was not pure enough or worthy of joy and love.
Believing that I was no longer innocent made me feel robbed of the joy of experiencing life and feeling the sensations of pleasure, as I was no longer deserving of it. I felt heavy, burdened, and the weight of it all felt like a suffocating weight pushing in on my chest. It began to get harder to feel compassion as I could no longer hold any more of others pain. There was no space for myself.
There were many things that I enjoyed in my life and yet I observed that in doing these things I experienced little joy. I feel that part of this for me was my inability to recognize my innocence, to feel that child like wonder and excitement. Understanding that it is not my responsibility, embracing my true god-given innocence, forgiving myself, and understanding that my innocence has always and will always be there, has begun to open me back up into the sensations of joy. My perspective on life is shifting again.
Innocence to me feels like a breath of fresh air. As I sit back into this sensation an opening is occurring and a deeper understanding and feeling of love for myself is settling in. I had disconnected myself from innocence with judgement and criticism, separating myself from the pure divine love that I am. Embracing this truth once again, has sent bubbles of joy cascading out from my soul.

Forgiving Myself has freed another chain holding me down!

Standard

Forgiveness, so what does this really mean? I knew the importance of forgiving myself for deeper healing to occur, and yet I danced around completely feeling into it. I knew that I still blamed myself for what had happened to me, and I found it easier to forgive others for hurting me, than it was for me to forgive myself. I just wasn’t quite sure on how to really forgive myself, and so I just continued to sit with this question until clarity came. I now realize that I held a deep buried ancient belief that I needed to sacrifice myself to keep the peace, and so I kept silent and allowed the abuse to continue, not just to me but others as well.
Forgiving myself was a process that I did little by little, day by day. I began to treat myself better, I ate better, changed the critical damaging thoughts that I continuously had running in my mind. I chose people, things, and places that were nourishing and nurturing to me. I made one choice after another that supported me in loving myself.
Then one day a deep body felt wave of sensation, of recognition, that I had punished myself long enough and that I could now forgive myself washed through me. I was not to blame, I was not responsible for the actions of others. I did everything that I could at the time with the resources that I had. An understanding then emerged that I was Alive, and that I was now free to live! IT WAS OK TO LIVE NOW! The voice of my soul pleaded out for me to hear and the recognition resonated in every cell of my body when I became quiet enough, and ready to listen. This message came to me through an interpretation of a dream that I had. How powerful our dreams can be as part of our healing and guidance!
The other part of the struggle to forgive myself, was a belief that in order to forgive, you needed to forget and just move on. I could never forget, so how could I forgive? I have a deeper sense of what forgiveness means now. A definition I recently heard from Wayne Dyer helped put things into more perspective…. Non-Judgement, Non Criticism, Non Condemnation = Forgiveness.
Further writings that I have come across also helped settle this belief I held. It says…”Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Forgiveness empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you.”
A quote from Fred Luskin states “At the most basic level, forgiveness is on a continuum with grief. When you’re hurt, or violated, the natural response is to grief. Forgiveness is the resolution of grief.”
Forgiveness is the resolution of grief! To sit with this knowing and feel the weight that has lifted off me as I no longer sit in the puddle of this trauma, is indescribable! Every time I think that I have found such a blissful state of stillness, I sink deeper into another pocket of it.
Forgiving myself has freed another chain holding me down!

Liberating Blame

Standard

Blame
Blaming myself
Blaming you.
Angry… spiteful
This poison flowing through my veins.
Feeling helpless
Too weak,
Too small to fight back.
Taking accountability for allowing the abuse to continue.
Believing I deserved it.
Not speaking up.
Believing I had no control.
Blaming myself for the actions of others,
This is not mine to own.
I now have let it go,
The blame.
I do not need to keep punishing myself.
I see now,
It was not my fault!
This truth soaks into my skin
IT IS NOT MY FAULT.
Releasing blame!
LIBERATING