What is it about trusting myself that has me feeling disorientated?

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What is it about trusting myself that has me feeling disorientated this week? I have peeled back many layers of distrust as I have opened into feeling safe enough to inhabit my body again. I have trusted the process to get here even when it felt like hell, and I would have preferred in the moment to hide. I have trusted my intuition as it has guided me to the people, places, and experiences that I have needed to heal. I continue to trust it as I take each new step in creating my life. I trust my seen and unseen supports that are always with me. I trust my journey knowing that each choice I make is neither right nor wrong but just a choice that leads me to a new experience, and understanding that if I don’t like it, I have the ability to change it. I have learned to trust that I am safe and I can always remove or defend myself if I am in a situation where I am not. I trust that I have my back and that I have the support and resources that I need at all times.

And Yet…..

I witness that there is a newness as I have learned to trust my feelings, my gut sense, and heart felt knowing. I have learned to differentiate, trust, and allow the sensations of pleasure. To my nervous system, there was no difference between pleasure and pain, all sensations registered the same. They invoked fear, panic and there was a time that I would even dissociate. Also at a young age, I discovered that I could  help people feel better when I held their pain and suffering. I formed the belief that this was my responsibility. As I result, I walked through the world with no boundaries taking in the hurt around me as my own. I could not trust what I was feeling as I did not know what my emotions were or who I was. It got to the point where I felt like I was going to loose my mind and I did not leave the house much. Letting go of this belief and recognizing that I am only responsible for my own healing has allowed so much more space within me, the ability to see and feel who I truly am, and trust it.

I took me a long time before I could say the words, “I trust myself”. It took more time before I believed these words and longer yet, to be able to feel this in my body. As I have begun to allow myself pleasurable experiences, I have accessed a new part of myself which has not fully integrated yet. I am now able to experience sensations and emotions with a new perspective. My brain registers that these are safe pleasant feelings and sensations, and my body now trusts that this is also true.  As I began to re-frame my beliefs around trusting myself and what I felt, confusion set in. At first I thought that I still must not able to trust what I felt, but I was shown many examples over this last year where this was untrue. I was trusting what I sensed with my body (but perhaps maybe only at the skin barrier).  I was growing frustrated trying to understand what it was about trusting myself that I was not understanding.

Ah ha…

I trusted what I felt, but I did not trust it wholeheartedly with my body. I recognized that I needed to embody the sensations, emotions, and trust of what I experienced. Trusting with not just with my head, a gut sense, my knowing, but to feel this with my whole body, incorporating all parts. Giving permission to my body to trust, choosing to continue to let the sensations in, recognizing these as positive experiences. This feels disorientating as it integrates, but I am now able to feel this new trust in myself as it soaks through my skin to settle into my bones. Its new, its uncomfortable, and I rest back opening deeper into it.

I TRUST MYSELF…. these words today have a much deeper meaning as I peel back another layer, widening my perceptual lens and allowing this integration. I shake and I soothe as the process unfolds.

Trust

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Healing does not always come in the manner that I expect

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Healing does not always come in the manner that I expect, but it always comes in the form that I need. Once again, I was shown this as an experience was presented to me. My initial response had me caught up in the sensations of trauma and my view to what was happening narrowed. My world became distorted and I felt the pain of past events rise up and take over my reactions. This had me sink into a layer of great disappointment. I was disappointed in myself and with the experience of pleasure that I was wanting to have, as it did not present as I was expecting it to. I was holding attachment to an outcome and how I thought it would look like, and feel like. I was still trying to control my healing, instead of allowing it to occur. It was my perception of the event that I first interrupted as being so unpleasant. I was fixated on the old patterns and behaviors I exhibited and what I had “done wrong”.

As I stood back and became open again to a new perspective, I became aware of the new choices I had made, and what I had done differently. I was able to understand a deep seated belief that I had about myself, as it was brought up for healing through this experience. This belief that I was harboring was hindering me from having the pleasant experiences I was yearning for. It order for me to move deeper into the healing that I have been doing, this experience showed me what was holding it back. It taught me many valuable lessons once I understood it for what it was, just an experience. Also, in letting go of taking the situation personally the emotions that arose began to fall away and the belief of being traumatized all over again, dropped away.

How we look at a circumstance, an event, even people, and choose to feel about it is truly in our perception. I am amazed at the difference I felt once I changed my perspective. I was open to looking at it differently and everything shifted. I even briefly started to complain about why I had to go through such hard lessons ect., but then once again understanding, that I was making them hard through how I was perceiving them. I saw two completely different views to the same event and I chose to re frame my experience and so the healing continues, and I continue to grow.

Taking things Personally

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I have been observing my behavior and reactions to situations and people around me, and that of others recently. I listen to my clients, friends, family, and strangers as they speak. I witnessed a common theme which led me to the question, why do we take things so personally and interpret others issues as being about us? Why do we allow the actions and words of others effect how we perceive ourselves and dictate our mood?

It wasn’t so long ago, that I also lived in this prison jumping instantly into defense in reaction to others emotions or words. I took things to heart. If I came in contact with someone having a bad day, angry and spewing it towards me, I gave it right back not even realizing what had happened. Ahhhh what a viscous cycle it was. Then I would spiral down into that deep dark hole, as the energy was sucked from me. What did I do to this person, I don’t deserve to be treated this way, what’s wrong with me, ect. ect. ect. Sound familiar? Then I would allow it to “ruin” my day and pass the nastiness along. I chose (without knowing it at the time) my reaction.

The inner work that I have done has changed drastically my perception, understanding, and how I view things now. The first step is knowing how and why you are reacting, so then you can make new choices! I’m learning to not let my mood be dependent on someone else. (Am I still affected? Yes… I’m still human, I still forget  sometimes to ask that question, Is this mine?) Is the anger, hurt, or frustration coming at me mine? If its not resonating from a place inside me, I allow the wave of emotion to wash over me, and I no longer cling onto it.

A strangers bad mood has nothing to do with me, what I have done, or who I am. I choose how I respond to it. If it stirs up great emotion within me I stop and ask myself, what is it that I am feeling from this interaction, what is it triggering in me? Why am I reacting in this manner? Then it is my responsibility (if we choose to, its always our choice) to own and heal that part of myself. What gets brought up for you? Maybe you feel bad because you somehow believe it is your fault? Do you feel helpless, because it reminded you of a time when you couldn’t help someone you loved that was hurting? Are you uncomfortable with anger because of your childhood? Does it remind you of an old unresolved trauma you have buried? What does your reaction say to you?

Sometimes with those we love, we feel a great need to fix, change, or react back to them when they are having an “off” day, and are in a less pleasant state. This used to make me feel worse, and it wasn’t usually helpful for me at all. It is not our responsibility to change someone else’s mood or fix the state they are in. When this situation occurs and it isn’t something that you have done (nothing you need to make right or apologize for ) don’t take it personally, it is not about you. If you react, sit with the reaction you have, acknowledge it, feel where it settles in your body? What emotion do you have? What is it telling you? Is there some belief that you are holding about yourself, your world?

Now, I am going to tell you to take it personally. lol But in a different context. If you react to it, it is yours to own and  work with, it is personal but let go of the blame to others for making you feel this way, or for doing this or that to you. Look within yourself and see what has been overturned in you and brought up for healing. This experience has been shown to you in reflection of what is stirring already within you.

Open to the possibility of a different interpretation of what is going on. Sometimes our belief of the experience may actually have nothing at all to do with what’s going on. Everyone is dealing with something. Have compassion for others, and most importantly, have compassion for YOURSELF!!

This concept of not taking things so personally has brought me such a sense of freedom. So how do you help others when you bump up against them in this ‘negative’ state? (emotions are just energy, our perceptions to them makes them good or bad in our mind) What I have experienced to be so profoundly helpful for me and what I now can do for others, is to hold a healing space for them. In short form, you become completely present within yourself, grounded, and open to all the energy around and available for all of us. Feel your own support, unconditional love, and that ‘still’ place within you. This is turn allows them  the space, feeling of safety, and support within themselves that they need to shake off whats built up in them. When you hold this space for someone they recognize this place also within themselves (at a very subtle level) and it gives them the energy they need to make a shift.

This is a much more empowering place to live from.

INTEGRATING THE NEWNESS OF CHANGE

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Lately I have found myself feeling a bit speechless. The words have not been coming to me and my writing has stopped. Over the last few years the words, feelings, and tears have spilled out onto the pages. They  brought me much healing, understanding, encouragement, and strength. I have opened, grown and found the support within myself from them to make the changes I needed in my life. These words have soaked through my skin and settled into my bones. They have reminded me of who I am, motivating and encouraging me to keep my eyes up and moving towards that which nourishes me.

Recently, I have needed to go through a period of integrating and soothing as I journey through this experience of change and transformation. I have felt a great sense of loss and grief as I let go of the familiarity, comfort, and security of the things, people, and identity of who I believed myself to be. I also hold excitement of the freedom as I learn and witness that I am enough, and that what I have been searching for has been within me all along. I am my support, unconditional love, comfort and strength. Acceptance of who I am brings me into stillness. My thoughts, beliefs, perceptions create my life. I CREATE MY LIFE!! So now I sit with the questions of what do I want, where do I want to go and how can I support others on their journey?

I also experience the feeling of guilt over the excitement I feel to be moving on with my life.  There is a part of me that believed that this was not an acceptable response and that happiness is not allowed.That critical, self-sabotaging ego that was battering me!! I have also become aware of that small child part that believed she was responsible for holding others pain. I acknowledge all of these emotions, holding them all together and allowing each their expression. I allow their energy to rise up within me and wash back out like a gentle wave. I feel the fluidity and strive to sway like seaweed while connecting, rooting into the earth, and opening to the energy and support of the heavens above.

I breathe, I move, I write, and I make conscious choices to things which will nourish and support me. I remind myself to rest back, to feel into the ease, to move through my experiences from that place of stillness within me where all my answers, support, and knowing lie. That place where the essence of who I am radiates out from. From here, experiences I encounter and the emotions that arise do not become overwhelming. I can see more clearly, my perceptions do not get skewed, and I learn to not take things personally. This has been very freeing and healing for me. I remind myself constantly and consistently to make these choices. Day by day, moment to moment, one by one, I change these old patterns and beliefs.

I ground and fill, keeping myself in an energy rich state and so therefore I am stable, my strength unwavering.

The Story of the Lotus

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I just wanted to share with you a page I found on lovedaniel.com on the Lotus flower.

The Story of the Lotus

Joan Rood for Daniel Peralta

The story of the Lotus is so wonderful. It thrives in mucky, muddy pools of water – it raises itself up through the muck and mire of the pond and blooms in all its glory. At the end of the season the plant dies and goes into a dormant phase. In India, the ponds dry up and the Lotus plants lie dormant until the next rainy season. Once the rains come, the plant regenerates and finally pushes itself through the muck and mire reaching for its climax and beauty.

The plant has its roots deep in the soil under water. The long, cylindrical stalk passes through the water and rises above the water’s surface. The mud in which the lotus roots grow represents material life, while the water through which the stalk passes represents the astral world. When the plant reaches the surface of the water and opens its bud to the sun, it represents spiritual being.

Interpreted in life – sometimes the roots of our material life have to be in the muck and mire in order for us to learn our lessons. However, we always have a connection (stalk) to our spiritual roots and our soul (the bud that blooms) is always striving to reach its highest potential. It reaches for the light and when it finds it, it radiates that light back to the world for all to see.

Here is some more info on the Lotus: The crown chakra is often called “The Thousand-Petalled Lotus”, which is a symbol of final revelation. It is believed that the transformation of the world into paradise can occur through the lotus, which expounds fully the oneness of all life. In Buddhist tradition, the fully-opened lotus has a strong solar character, and its petals are likened to the rays of the sun; it is a symbol of enlightenment. In the Egyptian tradition, also, the same theme is repeated. Meditating on the lotus brings harmony into all aspects of our being, within and without. Given the lotus plant’s potency as a symbol, and its thousands of years of association with spiritual practice in many traditions, we believe that this essence is the foremost flower essence on this planet. As a flower essence, Lotus has many uses. It is called the spiritual elixir. It helps in meditation by calming the mind and improving concentration. Thus it assists in spiritual growth. It is beneficial when used as a spray around the places of ceremony. When combined with crystals, it is very powerful in its effect. Lotus is an excellent elixir for balancing, cleansing, and strengthening the aura. All the chakras are aligned and balanced by releasing, adding, or directing energies to them, thus resulting in better health and harmony. It is a good harmonizing essence for interpersonal relationships as well as for our connections with our animals. Lotus aids in cleaning the entire system of toxins – physical or subtle. It can be used in bath therapy, and can also be used locally along with lotus oil, or in a cream or lotion base with Lotus essence added. The essence augments the effectiveness of Kinesiology, Aromatherapy, Homoeopathy and tissue salts and is also used on acupressure points.

Liberating Blame

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Blame
Blaming myself
Blaming you.
Angry… spiteful
This poison flowing through my veins.
Feeling helpless
Too weak,
Too small to fight back.
Taking accountability for allowing the abuse to continue.
Believing I deserved it.
Not speaking up.
Believing I had no control.
Blaming myself for the actions of others,
This is not mine to own.
I now have let it go,
The blame.
I do not need to keep punishing myself.
I see now,
It was not my fault!
This truth soaks into my skin
IT IS NOT MY FAULT.
Releasing blame!
LIBERATING

Reclaiming My Power

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Powerlessness…. Another layer of this feeling has shown up for me to work through these last couple of weeks as new experiences arise in my life. This feeling stems back from the abuse and has been intertwined in my life. This feeling that I had as a small child as being completely physically powerless to fight back against something that was being forced upon me. Having no voice to speak up against it, and the emotional immaturity to comprehend what was taking place. I felt utterly helpless in having any control over the experiences occurring in my life.
Although this may have been true as a child, in my life today I know that am in control and that I have the power, but subconsciously this powerless part was dictating my mood and my actions. This belief that had formed from my experience was deeply embedded into every cell of my body and holding me in a victim mentality. I have been carrying it forward with me and I have been looking out into the world at my current situation through this belief and child like eyes. I was feeling like everything was being taken away from me and I was powerless to do anything about it.
I have learned that stomping my feet in anger, closing my eyes and ears, and locking down my body in a rigid, defiant, defensive stance were keeping me powerless!! This was an old pattern to the fear of not knowing what was coming and the perception of something being “done to me” that I did not like. This was the only way I knew how to fight against it, but it has been closing me off to the people and things that would move me in a direction of a more nurturing and healing outcome.
I may not like what I am going through now, but I have the power to choose how I deal with it and my reactions to what is said and done. Changes are occurring for me and I could take that stance of feeling powerless against it, or I can choose to rise up once again with grace and choose to be flexible with the change. These waves of grief and loss bump up against me and flow through me, as it is all energy moving and I am learning to allow this to just occur.
I choose not to take things so personally and attach them to defining who I am. Once again I take my power back, as I understand that I never lost it to begin with. It was my perception that I had. NO one can take it away from me unless I allow them to. At the time when I was a small child I may not have been able to fight back and was powerless in that situation, but those circumstances did not take my power away. It was always there, but the fear and the lies I was told as I was being hurt made me believe that he was now in control of my life, and I could do nothing about it.
I am in control and I have the power to change my life, but this concept has not been just this simple for me to grasp. It has been conscious choices made one at a time, one step at a time, and one day at a time. I have heard these words and even consciously believed them, but it took time to really feel what they meant. Coming into stillness, listening, and allowing opening to occur, has enabled this truth to reverberate into my cells and the knowing to rebirth my strength.
I love the purity and power that I feel when I can rest back into myself, and feel the strength in who I am and what I can do.