Reclaiming, Embracing, Embodying Innocence

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IMG_1084Someone recently shared with me that the were able to see an innocence within me. My initial thought to this was one of surprise. Really, how could this be? This made me realize that I had not fully embodied this belief of innocence.
As I open deeper into forgiving myself, I understand that I have still been blaming myself and believing that I was responsible for the innocence (I thought) I had “lost”. The innocence of a child that I told myself I would never get back. The disgust, filth, and guilt I felt for myself because of what I experienced. The horror, shame, and pain I held in believing that I was dirty, damaged, and no longer an innocent child. The burden that I then came to assume, that it was my responsibility to hold the pain of others to make them feel better. In doing so, sacrificing myself because I was not pure enough or worthy of joy and love.
Believing that I was no longer innocent made me feel robbed of the joy of experiencing life and feeling the sensations of pleasure, as I was no longer deserving of it. I felt heavy, burdened, and the weight of it all felt like a suffocating weight pushing in on my chest. It began to get harder to feel compassion as I could no longer hold any more of others pain. There was no space for myself.
There were many things that I enjoyed in my life and yet I observed that in doing these things I experienced little joy. I feel that part of this for me was my inability to recognize my innocence, to feel that child like wonder and excitement. Understanding that it is not my responsibility, embracing my true god-given innocence, forgiving myself, and understanding that my innocence has always and will always be there, has begun to open me back up into the sensations of joy. My perspective on life is shifting again.
Innocence to me feels like a breath of fresh air. As I sit back into this sensation an opening is occurring and a deeper understanding and feeling of love for myself is settling in. I had disconnected myself from innocence with judgement and criticism, separating myself from the pure divine love that I am. Embracing this truth once again, has sent bubbles of joy cascading out from my soul.

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